I Remember
I read a book when Zane was a newborn called “A Lie Someone Told You About Yourself” by Peter Ho Davies. I didn’t know it was a book about parenthood when I picked it up, and maybe it wasn’t great to read as the mother of 6-week-old because it confronted some difficult parenting issues that I didn’t really need to concern myself with at the time, but I enjoyed it nonetheless, and it ended up being one of my favorite books I read all year.
One quote in particular really stuck out to me—even though at the time I couldn’t possibly have understood how true it would end up being. I’m paraphrasing here because I didn’t write down the exact quote, but it went something like this:
“Every phase of parenting erases the one before it.”
Oof.
I have been so present in these early days of motherhood. Honestly, the most present I have ever been in my life, but even as present as I have been, I’ve forgotten so much. So many little moments that felt so clear and vivid at the time have just…slipped away. All of the sudden I had a 6-month-old and I couldn’t remember what it felt like to have a 5-month-old, or a 4-month-old, or a 3-month-old, or a newborn. Whatever phase he’s currently in somehow feels like the only phase there ever was.
We have an endless stream of photographs and videos that document both the milestones and the day-to-day, but in an effort to preserve as much as I could from the precious and fleeting time that was Zane’s first year of life, I started writing down some of the little things that I wanted to remember too, putting words to memories that couldn’t be captured otherwise.
I remember…
How peaceful those first few hours of labor were, just Dan and I at home, soft lights, quiet music, hot water bottle on my lower back while we timed the contractions.
Unexpectedly being overcome with emotion when we were admitted to the hospital and I saw the little bassinet in our room, the reality of what was about to happen really hitting me for the first time.
Dan’s face when he saw the baby for the first time. A mix of joy and shock and wonder and then him exclaiming, “He has a dimple!”
Eating popsicles in the middle of the night on one of our first nights home from the hospital, watching “I Dream of Jeannie” and “Bewitched,” willing myself to stay awake because Zane had fallen asleep on the couch and there was no way I was going to attempt to move him to his bassinet if it meant risking waking him up.
Sitting down to take a breather after a particularly challenging nursing session when Zane was only a few days old and feeling wholly overwhelmed when I mentally calculated how many times I’d have to breastfeed him over the next year. “One day at a time, one feeding at a time, you can do this, don’t think too far ahead.”
How we hid out those first few months, mostly because we were at the height of the biggest wave of the pandemic yet, but also because we loved the little cocoon we had created and we weren’t ready to share it with anyone just yet.
His sweet baby smile looking up at me halfway through a late-night feeding and how he’d press his little palm into mine and hold my hand while he nursed.
The view of Zane’s face peeking over Dan’s shoulder when he’d carry him from the bedroom out to the living room every morning to start the day.
How the majority of naps for the first few months were on top of me and how grounding the weight of him felt.
The baby sighs. And the baby noises (so many noises!). And the baby smiles. And those first intoxicating baby giggles.
Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror late one night: tired eyes, half-naked, covered in baby throw-up that had soaked all the way down to my underwear, and thinking, “So this is motherhood, huh?”
The shape of his not-so-tiny nose (I’m sorry kid, you get that from me).
Watching him kick his feet up in the bassinet…and then slam them down at full force.
The sound of his little voice gurgling and cooing and raspberrying himself to sleep.
Watching him try to roll over onto his side for the first time and how fiercely determined he was to master it.
Long, winter afternoons driving up and down Scio Church Road to get him to fall asleep in the car and endlessly walking him around our neighborhood so he could nap in the stroller.
Our first road trip out to Cape Cod when Zane was only 4 months old so he could meet my parents and brother—a true blessing to our family after a difficult few years.
Nursing him as I read the headline that 18 elementary school children were killed in a school shooting in Texas.
In the bath one night when he looked up at us and said, “Night-night,” and Dan and I both realized that he understood what it meant.
Being in the car on a trip up north to Traverse City, trying so hard to figure out how we could time a visit to our favorite restaurant in the impossibly short wake window that we had between naps, and feeling guilty as I thought to myself, “I am so tired of taking care of this baby.”
The first night he slept in his crib by himself and how empty our bedroom felt without him.
Drinking rosé out of plastic cups in the uncomfortable metal chairs outside of our motel room in Saugatuck after putting Zane to sleep for the night so we didn’t have to sit inside in the dark until it was time for us to go to bed too.
Swimming with him in the ocean for the first time in my hometown.
His little fist clutching overripe plum slices and stuffing them into his mouth as fast as he could.
Sneaking him little bites of “bad” foods like cinnamon buns and coffee cake and watching his eyes light up with delight.
The first time he yelled “MAMA!” when I walked into his room after a nap.
Glancing over at him one day and realizing that he looked more like a little boy than a baby, and having no idea when or how that had happened.
So while I’ve forgotten a lot, while countless memories have been—and continue to be—erased and replaced with new ones, there is a lot that I do remember too. And while I know that it’s impossible to capture it all, I will continue to try to preserve this time season of life as best I can.
All photography by the lovely Misty Lyn Bergeron from when we had her over to shoot our little fam just before Zane’s first birthday.
