On Pregnancy

Photo of me 34-weeks pregnant in my garden

Pregnancy–specifically the thought of me being pregnant—has always terrified me. If I’m being honest, I’ve always felt a little unsure about the idea of having kids in general (thus why we waited so long in the first place), but it’s pregnancy in particular that was the part of the process that I just couldn’t get excited about.

Between being a total control freak about my body and having an irrational fear of needles, shots, and pretty much any medical procedure, to being hyperaware of the complications that can arise in pregnancy by seeing what friends and acquaintances have gone through, to just generally being a hedonist (Sagittarius Sun + Leo Rising over here) who likes to enjoy life, travel, and eat and drink to my heart’s content, pregnancy just seemed…not fun.

Once Dan and I had had the “Should We or Shouldn’t We?” conversation enough times that we landed on “We Should” and I was fortunate enough to actually get pregnant at my advanced maternal age (I wish I was joking, but at age 37 my pregnancy is considered “geriatric”), my initial pregnancy mindset was leaning toward “grin and bear,” thinking of it more of a means to an end than a special time in my life to be savored and enjoyed.

I have to say though…I’m currently 37 weeks along and pregnancy has really surprised me. There have been unpleasant moments for sure: the all-day nausea and intense food aversions of the first few months, the constant digestion issues, acid reflux and charlie horses that jolt me awake from a sound sleep, back aches, sciatica, getting tired doing pretty much anything, having trouble sleeping comfortably, and the list goes on, but as a whole—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—I’ve actually kind of enjoyed being pregnant. And as I’m getting closer to my due date, there’s even a small part of me that’s a little sad to be nearing the end.

I know, I definitely didn’t see this coming either.

While I always imagined that watching my body morph into a new and strange shape would make me uneasy, it hasn’t at all. I know it’s cliché, but I’ve been absolutely amazed by my body throughout this whole process and I have such a deeper appreciation for it now than I did before.

I worried a lot about all the health complications that pregnancy could bring about (most of which never happened btw, as is often the case with the things we worry about), but I had no idea that I could actually feel more vibrant and healthy in my body now than I did pre-pregnancy.

While I thought I would immediately mourn my old lifestyle, it’s actually been nice to not be in go-go-go mode all the time (the pandemic set me up nicely for this too), and I’m grateful that I’ve felt well enough to still do a fair amount and even travel a bit too.

I was nervous that pregnancy would make me feel out of control emotionally, but I’ve been more calm and rooted in the present than ever before. Because pretty much everything is out of my control and I have no idea how this little being is going to enter the world or what he’s going to be like once he arrives, I can’t plan for much, so I’ve completely surrendered to just taking things as they come.

I thought having to modify my workouts and yoga practice would feel like a setback, but I can do a lot more than I thought I’d be able to—and I have to say, as a woman living in American society, it’s actually been really nice not focusing so heavily on being in shape and stressing about the calorie count of what I’m eating.

And let’s be honest, I was really not into the idea of not drinking for 9 months (especially after doing a poorly-timed Dry January this year pre-pregnancy) but it really hasn’t been that big of a deal. Sure, some social situations were kind of a bummer booze-free, but overall, I haven’t minded so much.

So…it turns out that I was wrong about everything and I’m very grateful that my pregnancy experience has been positive thus far because I know it isn’t the case for everyone.

I never longed for motherhood in the way that most of my friends have and I spent a long time feeling like something was wrong with me because of it. But half the reason I’m writing this in the first place is as a reminder that everyone’s experience is different and there is more than one path to motherhood. I’ve always been a late bloomer in life, so it only makes sense that I took the long road to get here.

Here’s hoping that childbirth and the 4th trimester pleasantly surprise me too—ha! T-minus 3 weeks to go if our little Scorpio shows up on time. He’s been a fun companion for the past 9 months and I’m excited to meet him.